Marie Jelly
Masqueradechics Photogallery

March 2009 April 2009 August 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010

To be honest - I'm glad that nobody actually reads this thing.

I doubt anybody even remembers the link to my blog. Haha. But that doesn't bother me, this is only a place for me to talk to myself and not be judged by prying minds and lips.

The exams are finally over in school, and I find myself stuck in the holidays with nothing to do at all. And why?

Because I'm still incapable of making friends. I don't know what it is that prevents me from connecting with other people and I'm still clueless as to how to solve it. A friend once told me that I need to show interest in the other party's life and goings-on, but that's just hard to do because how on earth am I supposed to even know what that person is doing later, or now, or in the future, anyway?

Ah well. I've pretty much given up with that.

Recently, I feel like a terrible person. Righting some wrongs just led to more wrongs to quell in a short while later.

I haven't been a very good best friend to Marie; and I feel like scum for it. Every time she calls, I'm either asleep, busy or simply just not available. It's happened a lot of times and it wasn't even intentional.. although every time it happens it feels as if I did it on purpose.

I haven't even been hanging out with her much, and time's running short because I have to enlist into the army soon, and when that happens, all the time I have left on off-days would be to see my baby.

People say that you never know how to treasure something until you lose it, and I don't intend to see that the hard way.. again.

The moment Marie's exams are over, I'm going to try to get her to hang out with Sam and I. Hopefully rekindle the spirit of old times from Secondary School where we'd just hang out and talk about crap all day.

Right now, it feels like I'm on the brink of losing her as a best friend because of my incapability to balance my time to set aside just a few minutes to talk to her on the phone once in a while.

We'll just see how it goes after her birthday tomorrow.

I'm actually contemplating on getting a job. But it has to be one related to photography. I get bored really quickly with meaningless waiter-ing and clerk jobs. The endless grind of going to the same place, seeing the same things and just letting your brain rot slowly away.

Since I've accidentally outcasted myself from Julian's photographic group because of one unfortunate incident, I can't go to him for anymore hook-ups with IT show jobs or whatnot, unless I decide to apologize and pay up for the event I missed. Although.. I don't see that as an option now since it's been so long ago. I'm probably not even recognized as his disciple anymore.

But that's that, and it's quite hard to reconcile. But then again.. we shouldn't burn bridges, so I'll find a way to fix things.

There's so many things that I've regretted not doing in life, and for some reason - I still can't get about doing what I've always wanted. Sometimes, it's because I simply fail, or I can't find the motivation or skill to do it. Seems to me that I'm flawed in almost every aspect possible. Haha.

Ah well..

I'm tired, so I'll stop here.

Rise from the ashes and walking across the surface of the sun just to burn out again.

A dull razor against the paper-thin skin; traces of trickling maroon-black lines.

Running off sidewalks into streaming traffic, jumping off skyscrapers, land in broken glass.

Choirs of angels and multitudes of demons, selling thine soul for a third hand revelation.

Extricate mortality, implicate apathy.

Sift through the hate and find the laughter. Call it insanity; call it psychotic. Call it sanity; call it frail.

Trepidation of the winters to come for the last of the risen have yet to thrum.

Stride over oceans and plunge to darkness, find the light in the arms of release from the chains of simplicity.

Let go of sanity, let go of fear,

Let go of everything, let go of tears.