Fighting the Ghosts

Pindrops.

2010-01-29T00:04:00.002+08:00

My life is so strange now.. so empty.

So quiet.

She has been my world, I let my entire being revolve around her. Voluntarily, and I never regretted a moment of it. I've always loved her, and I did whatever I could to make her happy. Every ounce of my being was put into just trying to make her happy, as I promised from the start. I guess.. I just didn't do enough, didn't have enough.

Some people say, "If you really love something, you have to learn to let it go", and maybe it's just something.. I have to learn. It's never easy. How I wish I could rephrase that saying.

I don't want to be in the way of her happiness. I promised her that I'd make her happy, and I live to fulfill that promise. If my absence makes her happier off in life, I would do it in a heartbeat, and I already have. I just hope it wasn't for nothing.. although I know it was never.

We relinquish freedom to be bound to the idea of a relationship, but not all regret that ideal. I sure didn't. Relinquishing the freedom to do whatever I wanted was never an issue to me. I was glad I could commit to her, commit to making her happy. Every time she smiled - it melted my heart. I felt appreciated.. a feeling I hardly ever experience. Almost never.

Now that we have closure.. the feelings all come rushing back. Facades and false impressions become harder to keep up. The fake smiles. It's harder to hide the tears when it's not raining.

Sleeping has become.. difficult. Or perhaps a better word would be.. a 'chore'. I find myself rolling around my bed at night, incessantly thinking about how I was able to always hug her to sleep. The smell of her hair, the warmth from her body. No matter how hard I try to tire myself out during the day so I'm exhausted at the end of the day, or even when I try putting myself to sleep with alcohol, it doesn't help. Nothing helps.

The past 2 years have been the best I've ever experienced in my life. I felt.. alive for once. I felt like I had purpose. But now.. everything is gone. The directions, the purpose, the adrenaline. Everything - vanished in a second.

I find myself staring at blank spaces more often than I realize. Reminiscing the times we had together. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I'm a mess. Getting over her is going to be.. honestly.. the hardest thing I've had to do in my life.

Even when I walk through a crowd.. everything is hollow, devoid of emotion and sound. Life is quiet now, sprayed across a blank canvas in black and white.

Everything is so quiet.. I can hear pindrops.

- человеку свойственно ошибаться

Possible Denial

2009-12-23T23:35:00.002+08:00

Maybe I've been living in denial.

That I'm hardly ever at fault, that's why I always tend not to see things they way they really are and should be seen.

I've been overconfident in myself, always thinking I'm in proper control of a situation when I'm really barely handling it.

I blame myself for putting her through the one and a half years of having to put up with my nonsense. She's someone who definitely deserves someone better than me. Someone who knows what she wants, not some ignorant asshole like me.

I'm sorry for everything that I've done.

I just wish I could be who you wanted me to be.

человеку свойственно ошибаться, but I guess it's never always forgiving.

Colorless

2009-12-11T01:00:00.002+08:00

Seems just like another vacant day passing by.

Bland, colorless. Like the shadows of a room filled with antique tapestries and ornamental treasures, rendered insignificant by a shroud on the windows.

The world seemed devoid of color, sapped of energy and interest. Dull, bleak.

The night sky, riddled with stars, what was once a plain of beauty, stretching endlessly across the curve of my eye, now a plain and scarred sheet of nothingness. Empty, just like me.

Life seems to have lost its meaning, even when I have everything I could want now. Friends, girlfriend, family.. to some extent.

Something's missing; but what?

-человеку свойственно ошибаться

Malfunction

2009-12-09T20:07:00.001+08:00

I'm not a good boyfriend,
I'm not a good student,
I'm not a good friend,
I'm not a good brother,
nor am I a good son.

I've never been a very reliable person in any way. And I don't think I ever will be. Always screwing things up, making people hate me in almost every way possible. Sometimes, I think the world would be better off without me.

~человеку свойственно ошибаться

Wonderful Silence

2009-11-01T00:45:00.006+08:00

My favorite song as of now.

2009-08-26T17:11:00.002+08:00

To be honest - I'm glad that nobody actually reads this thing.

I doubt anybody even remembers the link to my blog. Haha. But that doesn't bother me, this is only a place for me to talk to myself and not be judged by prying minds and lips.

The exams are finally over in school, and I find myself stuck in the holidays with nothing to do at all. And why?

Because I'm still incapable of making friends. I don't know what it is that prevents me from connecting with other people and I'm still clueless as to how to solve it. A friend once told me that I need to show interest in the other party's life and goings-on, but that's just hard to do because how on earth am I supposed to even know what that person is doing later, or now, or in the future, anyway?

Ah well. I've pretty much given up with that.

Recently, I feel like a terrible person. Righting some wrongs just led to more wrongs to quell in a short while later.

I haven't been a very good best friend to Marie; and I feel like scum for it. Every time she calls, I'm either asleep, busy or simply just not available. It's happened a lot of times and it wasn't even intentional.. although every time it happens it feels as if I did it on purpose.

I haven't even been hanging out with her much, and time's running short because I have to enlist into the army soon, and when that happens, all the time I have left on off-days would be to see my baby.

People say that you never know how to treasure something until you lose it, and I don't intend to see that the hard way.. again.

The moment Marie's exams are over, I'm going to try to get her to hang out with Sam and I. Hopefully rekindle the spirit of old times from Secondary School where we'd just hang out and talk about crap all day.

Right now, it feels like I'm on the brink of losing her as a best friend because of my incapability to balance my time to set aside just a few minutes to talk to her on the phone once in a while.

We'll just see how it goes after her birthday tomorrow.

I'm actually contemplating on getting a job. But it has to be one related to photography. I get bored really quickly with meaningless waiter-ing and clerk jobs. The endless grind of going to the same place, seeing the same things and just letting your brain rot slowly away.

Since I've accidentally outcasted myself from Julian's photographic group because of one unfortunate incident, I can't go to him for anymore hook-ups with IT show jobs or whatnot, unless I decide to apologize and pay up for the event I missed. Although.. I don't see that as an option now since it's been so long ago. I'm probably not even recognized as his disciple anymore.

But that's that, and it's quite hard to reconcile. But then again.. we shouldn't burn bridges, so I'll find a way to fix things.

There's so many things that I've regretted not doing in life, and for some reason - I still can't get about doing what I've always wanted. Sometimes, it's because I simply fail, or I can't find the motivation or skill to do it. Seems to me that I'm flawed in almost every aspect possible. Haha.

Ah well..

I'm tired, so I'll stop here.

- Человеку свойственно ошибаться

Deviation

2009-08-07T15:00:00.005+08:00

Rise from the ashes and walking across the surface of the sun just to burn out again.

A dull razor against the paper-thin skin; traces of trickling maroon-black lines.

Running off sidewalks into streaming traffic, jumping off skyscrapers, land in broken glass.

Choirs of angels and multitudes of demons, selling thine soul for a third hand revelation.

Extricate mortality, implicate apathy.

Sift through the hate and find the laughter. Call it insanity; call it psychotic. Call it sanity; call it frail.

Trepidation of the winters to come for the last of the risen have yet to thrum.

Stride over oceans and plunge to darkness, find the light in the arms of release from the chains of simplicity.

Let go of sanity, let go of fear,

Let go of everything, let go of tears.

- Человеку свойственно ошибаться

Superficiality

2009-04-04T05:06:00.003+08:00

More often than not, we come to a point in life where we stare down the grotesque, gaping maw of overly superficial and shallow people. People who are self-righteous, ignoring all others' opinions, judgements and perceptions. Honestly, these people are no better than a feral dog frothing at the mouth, defending its territory.

I do not claim that I'm not self-righteous at times, but the world as I see it at this point in time so severely lacks even the slightest bit of common sense and empathy.

Instead of simply arguing through your ass, perhaps try to understand the two sides to a story and read the book from prologue to epilogue, and then back again.

I'm infuriated at the worlds' mere incompetence when it comes to dealing with confrontations between people.

No - I'm infuriated at a particular blogger's method of intercession in recent matters, despite it not being even the slightest bit affiliated to her.

Namely: Xiaxue, or Wendy Cheng, as some people call her.

I will not lower myself to her level, where she would simply and mindlessly bombard you with "fuck you"s, "fuck off"s and "grow-the-fuck-up"s, which is far from a valid argument or even close to a means of expressing your point and distaste in a matter.

In my email, I had never mentioned that the information within was of any importance to the reader, but I plead for her attention and understanding in what I was putting forth. I even mentioned it twice.

Once in the beginning, another in the end.

I cannot understand what continuously slighting someone with offensive terms can accomplish, but apparently, Xiaxue believes that it will alleviate the problem because that was all she seemed to be doing.

Instead of blogging like a sane, sympathetic person, who can show the minutest understanding of what the word "love" or "relationship", Xiaxue is only capable of rattling on and on with what's 'wrong with the world' and continuously complaining about things that 'could be better'.

If she insists on complaining so much about everything that's wrong with the world, maybe she should stop Photoshopping her pictures and take a look at herself and realize that hey - she's not that damned perfect after all.

For someone whose life revolves around clubbing, superficiality, sex and complete and utter frivolity, I doubt she can even scarcely grasp the whole concept of empathy and love, and that it's not as simple as it seems.

By the number of fans she gets on her site compared to the number of people that have the sufficiently-zealous audacity to pen down their disgust of how she lives her life on her very own blog, we can really see how many people truly appreciate and understand life and how it shouldn't be lived.

Maybe, just maybe, the only 'slut' or 'diseased slut' here, is you.

Signed,
Isaac

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Hi! I'm being a busybody now because Shuyin forwarded me the emails and I wanna give my opinions too!!

Everyone is giving theirs in long essays so why not!

Here's my astute POV after hearing everything and also bothering to read everyone's blogs and emails.

1) Stop accusing my best friend of leaving dumbass tags on the slut's blog. She didn't do it! Perhaps Daryl did it so that he can play the hero! Won't that be a double twist?!?!

2) Marie is a slut and a self-righteous one at that! Weeeeeeeee!

3) If the slut was so upset about breaking up with Eugene then why did she do it? Siao ding dong. If you don't make any sense, don't expect people to understand you and your supposed traumatic experience.

4) Shuyin can call Marie a slut if she wants to (not promiscuous, she didn't say that). She does not need to give a shit about Marie's feelings AT ALL since Marie clearly did not give a shit about Eugene's. Tomorrow she can call Marie a whore, and the day after, a diseased whore... donkey fucker etc... Doesn't matter and don't need to justify herself and don't even need to apologize! Oh you are HURT, Marie? I am so sorry, grow the fuck up. Why do you care if someone calls you a slut if you are not?

5) Isaac: "I have met Daryl myself, and I honestly think that he isn't such a bad guy, and Marie sincerely likes him." Nobody on Eugene's camp gives a flying fuck what YOU think of Daryl and whether the slut sincerely or unsincerely likes him. Oh is Daryl very nice now? DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

6) "Marie has suffered as much as Eugene from this breakup" YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING. One of them is happily in love! Just saying. Or maybe one of them loves playing the victim and acting very traumatized in front of everyone? Cannot help her if she is so emo leh.

7) "Please take some time to understand and absorb everything that I have written, because it's rather important."

WHY? Why should ANYONE bother about what you have to say? It is rather important? Really? Like Shuyin should take time to understand and absorb your info, because if she doesn't, she might drop dead and die? Your speech is important to YOU maybe, since you clearly spent time writing it. But make no mistake: It is important to nobody else. (Except maybe the slut) Stop acting so bloody moralistic. Wooo blah blah listen to me what I say is sooooooooooo important. *Roll eyes*

8) I look down terribly on people who delete their blogs. Just saying!

So how? Astute not? I also think so!

Well have a good day y'all!

Rebuilding Faith

2009-03-26T04:03:00.000+08:00

I've agreed to go back to church with Marie because I felt that I had to. I need guidance. Maybe all this time I've been lost in life is because I didn't have God leading me somewhere. I used to be so devoted to God, and I prayed to Him almost every day.

Most people don't understand why I gave up on my faith. You may think it's stupid, you may think it's a horrible reason, but it affected me severely. Marie, you might not even have known this yourself; but it was because of you.

That period of time where our friendship was still unstable and I was crazy about you, every day I prayed to God that you'd like me and understand where I'm coming from and why I loved you so much but couldn't bring myself to tell you. I could only show you through my actions and always being there for you. I admit I was sort of a hopeless romantic. I guess I still am. The thing is - I prayed every day but every day my prayers seemed to pull me further and further away from you until you ended up with Eugene. That was around the same time the O Level results came out - which I had prayed for as well - and I failed my Math even though I did pretty well for everything else. I was appalled when I found out that I had to enroll in an ITE because I couldn't go anywhere without Math.

My prayers were on a failing cycle and my life was spiralling further and further down. Just when I thought things would never pick up..

Things did.

But without God's help.

I got into RP without praying, I took up photography with great success and got a girlfriend. All of which was without God's help.

After looking back on all of this, I really cannot deem if my life is getting better or worse because of God. It's hard to decipher.

However, I'm grateful that God brought Marie back to me as a best friend. I love her so much for always being there for me when I'm down and out. She's been a sturdy pillar of strength and support for me. A guardian angel of sorts.

I think it's time for me to go back to church. I need help. I need guidance.

I need strength.

After indefinitely losing my girlfriend, I've been left weaker and more vulnerable than ever. I need help.

I need guidance.