Marie Jelly
Masqueradechics Photogallery

March 2009 April 2009 August 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010

My life is so strange now.. so empty.

So quiet.

She has been my world, I let my entire being revolve around her. Voluntarily, and I never regretted a moment of it. I've always loved her, and I did whatever I could to make her happy. Every ounce of my being was put into just trying to make her happy, as I promised from the start. I guess.. I just didn't do enough, didn't have enough.

Some people say, "If you really love something, you have to learn to let it go", and maybe it's just something.. I have to learn. It's never easy. How I wish I could rephrase that saying.

I don't want to be in the way of her happiness. I promised her that I'd make her happy, and I live to fulfill that promise. If my absence makes her happier off in life, I would do it in a heartbeat, and I already have. I just hope it wasn't for nothing.. although I know it was never.

We relinquish freedom to be bound to the idea of a relationship, but not all regret that ideal. I sure didn't. Relinquishing the freedom to do whatever I wanted was never an issue to me. I was glad I could commit to her, commit to making her happy. Every time she smiled - it melted my heart. I felt appreciated.. a feeling I hardly ever experience. Almost never.

Now that we have closure.. the feelings all come rushing back. Facades and false impressions become harder to keep up. The fake smiles. It's harder to hide the tears when it's not raining.

Sleeping has become.. difficult. Or perhaps a better word would be.. a 'chore'. I find myself rolling around my bed at night, incessantly thinking about how I was able to always hug her to sleep. The smell of her hair, the warmth from her body. No matter how hard I try to tire myself out during the day so I'm exhausted at the end of the day, or even when I try putting myself to sleep with alcohol, it doesn't help. Nothing helps.

The past 2 years have been the best I've ever experienced in my life. I felt.. alive for once. I felt like I had purpose. But now.. everything is gone. The directions, the purpose, the adrenaline. Everything - vanished in a second.

I find myself staring at blank spaces more often than I realize. Reminiscing the times we had together. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I'm a mess. Getting over her is going to be.. honestly.. the hardest thing I've had to do in my life.

Even when I walk through a crowd.. everything is hollow, devoid of emotion and sound. Life is quiet now, sprayed across a blank canvas in black and white.

Everything is so quiet.. I can hear pindrops.